Even with a head cold and germs all around, I was able to participate in my first blogtalk radio show with Max Reddick. Tonight, I was reminded that there truly is "Freedom Through Speech" as is the name of his weekly blogtalk radio show. Mr. Reddick offered me the opportunity to share "How I Got Over" along with two other panelist, Nicole McLean, breast cancer survivor and author of the blog "My Fabulous Boobies" and Michael Stagg of "My II Sense" where he gives "his two cents" on topics such as personal development and how to live life "on purpose".
I am grateful for the world of technology and the various ways that we are able to share in the struggles and successes and lives of people who just hours ago, were total strangers. Technology has opened us up to a world where, if we live outside of ourselves, are never alone. Where, when we look at the lives of others, we find that our situation may not be as bad as we initially thought. Not that we should ever wish "worse" on anyone but we get to a point where we recognize that much can be learned through the testimony of those around us.
Tonight I was able to share my world. When I was first asked to give a part of my testimony, I didn't know how much to give. I didn't even know where to begin. I asked God to speak through me and to give just enough and, even though at times I felt I was rambling, I pray that my testimony spoke to the heart of someone out there. I trust that all the living I've done was not in vain. That the pain that I endured all while trying to find "liberation" and "freedom" were stepping stones to get me to the mountain I stand upon today!
During the panel discussion, Michael and I were asked if we ever saw the trials coming. If there was ever a point where we stopped to consider if the way impact that our lifestyle would have on our future or did we just wake up one day like, "Oh my...how'd I get here?!" I shared that I knew I was living reckless the whole time. That I justified my promiscuous behavior and dependency on alcohol by claiming to be a "liberated woman" who cared not what people thought of me or my behavior when in all actuality, I did.
When living in this world, you can't help but care what people think of you. The way people see you is a sure sign of the way you're living. Of course we should never live our lives solely based on the opinions of others but there is a lot to be said about how people see you.
In early 2003 I found myself caught up in a whirlwind of anger and resentment towards myself. There was no one to blame. But I took my self-loathing out on whoever crossed my path at the wrong time. Men who loved me, friends who were there for me, waitresses who needed extra training in customer service...if you crossed me, you CAUGHT it. To answer the question posed to me earlier this evening, my response was, "Yes, I knew I was a whore claiming the role of a 'pimp'", taking advantage of those who wanted to give me nothing but the best...wasting away all in the name of "liberation". I recognized that change had to come, and quick...
More to come later this week...I am sick and need to be in the bed! Good night! 11:43PM EST