Healing through Forgiveness

Lord, by your Holy Spirit, I ask that you give me the words to release any feelings of bitterness, hurt, betrayal and unforgiveness once and for all. In the name of Jesus, peace is mine, now and forever, amen.

So, it’s been on my heart to write to you for a couple of months now. I’ve never been one to hold grudges and even take pride in my ability to forgive others but for some reason, I have had the most difficult time dealing with my lost relationship with you. It was during a recent time of reflection that I realized that I am often able to forgive because I am an expressive individual. Generally, as long as I am able to get what I need to say off of my chest, I’m able to move forward and forgive. Then, God showed me the flaw in this “ability”.

I recently saw a quote online that said, “I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, and accept an apology I never received.”

Ouch.

Those words got me thinking about all the things that I would ever tell you if given the opportunity. Unfortunately, it’s been nearly a year and you will barely even respond to my texts for well-wishes at different points in your life so, a conversation about the state of our friendship doesn’t seem likely. These truths opened my eyes to what may never be and more importantly, what simply isn’t necessary.

In the weeks following that post, God began showing me that it’s not important to point out all the ways a person has hurt you. Yes, I can pinpoint the exact day that our relationship began to change and all the things you did to wrong me and even all the things that I could have done better in response to the shift, but God also began to show me the growth that is possible from finally forgiving you and moving on…

Eight months ago, I was led to change my lifestyle and go vegan to rid my body of uterine fibroids which have been wrecking havoc on my body, mind and intimacy in my marriage for years now. The Lord told me, “you will be healed by your obedience.” I was so excited to start my new journey as a vegan and within two months, saw remarkable changes in my cycles and overall health.

Additionally, we’ve been actively trying to conceive. Since last summer, I have had it clear in my heart that I will at least be pregnant in 2016. I was hoping for a baby in hand this year but hey, we’ll take a growing seed! I know God’s promises to be true and am standing on the Word He gave me that I will be healed by my obedience. So, I’ve been growing in discipline regarding my dietary habits and what I consume but have recently felt that this is not enough…

We all know that the Word commands that we “forgive as Christ has forgiven us” and that we should forgive, so that our prayers may be heard. Scientifically, it has also been proven that harboring feelings of anger and bitterness can have a negative impact on our overall health. But how many times have we ignored what we know and justified our behavior…?

About a month ago, God began nudging me to write this letter to you. I kept making excuses like, “He probably won’t read it anyway…” or “…why should I have to write a letter when I’m not the one who abandoned our friendship!?” So, I ignored the unction and kept it moving. Within weeks, the Holy Spirit was showing me how my unforgiveness was keeping me from being fully healed and getting pregnant. Knowing what I know about the power of forgiveness, I had the audacity to still ignore the urge to write to you until one day…

I was in a Sunday service and that day, our pastor was talking about being led by the Holy Spirit. Now, while much of the full service may be a blur during the altar call, I heard God’s voice loud and clear. He told me straight up that I must forgive for the sake of the daughter that I’ve been praying for. He told me, “I will not allow my child to be conceived in a place where bitterness and unforgiveness reside. What I have for her is too great for her to be created in the presence of such negative energy.”

All I could do is weep and weep, thanking God for His Word concerning me, my heart and my daughter. During this time of crying, I felt a heaviness lift from me that I hadn’t even realized was there. I experienced a much needed release knowing that things were different – that my heart was being purified.

Lord, forgive me for my disobedience! All this time, I’ve been limiting God to only healing my womb through a change in my diet and while I am most thankful for the healing that has taken place thus far, my obedience goes well beyond just that! God is trying to heal my heart. He’s using my obedience to bring my spirit back into full alignment with Him and to bring me back into His perfect will for my life – to be WHOLE.

God is showing me that I cannot be the Light with any bit of darkness in my heart; consuming my mind. While Light is ever present, the slightest bit of darkness can cast shadows where the sun is needed. Those shadows manifesting in areas of our lives that are not directly related to the situation that caused the unforgiveness to be present.

From forgiveness to being more patient on the road, my goal is to be the best mother that I can be knowing that God has placed a calling on the lives of my children that requires them to be conceived in the purest love possible – the Love of God.

I love you. I always have and always will and while my heart was once broken by the demise of our friendship, I thank God for healing my heart and covering my mind. I thank God for you and everything that you’ve been in my life and trust that my forgiving you will allow my prayers for you and your family to reach the heart of God on your behalf.

I pray that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for any pain that I may have caused you during the tumultuous time in our relationship.

May you continue to grow according to the will of God, in all things, for His glory.

Your Sister, 

Nina

Just Say No to #NoNewFriends

So, there's a new hashtag/catchphrase going around. I just learned that #NoNewFriends is based on a Drake song by the same name. 

I haven't heard the song but I, for one, LOVE meting new people. Everyone won't be a "bestie" or even an actual "friend" but don't limit yourself because of fear of disappointment. Just learn to be more discerning about your immediate circle and the expectations you place on people. 

Everyone has their place. Some closer than others. 

And just think, adopting a #NoNewFriends mentality may keep the wrong friends in your life for far too long! The same attitude may keep people OUT who God may use to take your life in a new direction! 

This brings me back to a blog that I started based on a conversation with a young, successful actor from my hometown on FB about a week ago. He asked:

"Why is it our culture makes you feel bad about your accomplishments? When I left Wichita I was told to be the best, and now I'm in a position of success I've changed. I'm still the same Tyrice who grew up on 13th and Minnesota! I never changed, your perception of me changed."

His words are noble. Honorable even. Growing up, we all have dreams that we'll make it to the top and bring all of our best friends and main men along with us but the fact of the matter is, not everyone is meant to remain your friend or "roll dog" for life. Not everyone positioned to go where you're going in the world. 

If we're working hard to pursue our dreams and live a life of purpose then it should show! You should have "changed" in the eyes of others. I told young Tyrice:

"If you're the same person that you were on 13th and Minnesota, then you may need to go back to and start over. No one can make you feel bad about your accomplishments..."

Working with students/youth who are college or military bound, I tell them all the time,

"you'll go home to visit and find many of your friends and family doing the same stuff they were doing when you left, and that's okay."

I shared this with Tyrice and continued, 

"YOU have to be okay with being better/different than you were when you left. It is not your responsibility to make people comfortable with the person you're becoming. If they feel "some kind of way", they need to re-examine who they are (and are not)."

I went on to tell he and all the others now involved in his original post a story (because I have a story for everything): 

"Last year I was working at a local Olive Garden and one of my co-workers, angry with my happy-go-lucky demeanor, yelled across the kitchen, "NINA THINKS SHE'S BETTER THAN EVERYBODY!" I paused, turned around and assured him that his insecurities told him that I was better than him. I am mindful that my actions never say, "I'm better than..." anyone. I am better than *I* used to be. That's all I can speak for."

The good thing is this: (lots of colons in this post) 

We'll find that we generally won't have to separate ourselves from our pasts or the people in it! If we just allow it and continue moving forward, we will find that we'll shed ourselves of EVERYTHING (including people) from our former life. It will truly happen naturally, without strive! It's when we try to hold on to our past that the transition becomes painful!

Know When to Release and When to Reach

Pruning and Purging

To all of you dealing w/the purging of "friends" in your life, again I remind you that you are not alone in this purging season. A plentiful harvest cannot come forth without properly purging. The harvest you’ve been expecting from your sowing is coming forth. Be prepared to receive it! If you hold on to what God is trying to remove, you won't have room to receive what He has for you! MAKE ROOM in your life for the promises of God to come to fruition!

Be mindful, when you are purging to not be too rough on the pieces you’re removing! Those pieces may not be dead totally and can be revived later with time and proper care. Just like with pruning a plant...there may be a piece that was too weak to help the whole plant grow, but on its own, it can flourish, becoming a whole new plant later in life. Relationships are the same way. Some may not be healthy for your growth NOW, but in the future, they may be a vital part of your life.

So, as you prune and purge, do not do so with a spiteful heart. Always walk in love and grace. I am glad to say that I am still friends with many who, at one point, were removed from my life! No distaste or bitterness involved!

I give thanks to God for allowing my life and my experiences to help you overcome! He is so good!

A Name is More Than Just a Name: Nina = Grace (Hebrew)

I am finally glad that God made me the type of person to be a friend to people even when they're don't act like friends to me. Growing up, my being gracious made me feel weak & vulnerable. Although I am a "social butterfly", I oftentimes found myself hurt & feeling alone.

As a woman growing in God's will, I understand the importance of being that gracious person. I understand the freedom that comes from extending grace to those whom I call friend. Even more importantly, I thank God that people know that they can depend on me no matter what.

I've grown to understand that sometimes, people don't really know how to be real friends because they too have been hurt and instead of loving harder, they keep people at a distance, they hurt others, adopting the concept of "misery loves company". Even still, sometimes, people don't recognize they're even hurting you.

And so, to those who have called me friend over the years but have shown me less than the love they say they have, it's okay...*smiling at God* ...don't see me as weak. I am far from lonely. And even though the actions of others still hurts at times, I have all that I need. Most importantly, I have the grace of God & His love in my heart that allows me to pour the same grace & love onto others who have need...

With all of that being said: I♥YOU

Your friend,

Nina