Lord, by your Holy Spirit, I ask that you give me the words to release
any feelings of bitterness, hurt, betrayal and unforgiveness once and for all.
In the name of Jesus, peace is mine, now and forever, amen.
So, it’s been on my heart to
write to you for a couple of months now. I’ve never been one to hold grudges
and even take pride in my ability to forgive others but for some reason, I have
had the most difficult time dealing with my lost relationship with you. It was
during a recent time of reflection that I realized that I am often able to
forgive because I am an expressive individual. Generally, as long as I am able
to get what I need to say off of my chest, I’m able to move forward and
forgive. Then, God showed me the flaw in this “ability”.
I recently saw a quote online
that said, “I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who
wasn’t sorry, and accept an apology I never received.”
Ouch.
Those words got me thinking about
all the things that I would ever tell you if given the opportunity.
Unfortunately, it’s been nearly a year and you will barely even respond to my
texts for well-wishes at different points in your life so, a conversation about
the state of our friendship doesn’t seem likely. These truths opened my eyes to
what may never be and more importantly, what simply isn’t necessary.
In the weeks following that post,
God began showing me that it’s not important to point out all the ways a person
has hurt you. Yes, I can pinpoint the exact day that our relationship began to
change and all the things you did to wrong me and even all the things that I
could have done better in response to the shift, but God also began to show me
the growth that is possible from finally forgiving you and moving on…
Eight months ago, I was led to
change my lifestyle and go vegan to rid my body of uterine fibroids which have
been wrecking havoc on my body, mind and intimacy in my marriage for years now.
The Lord told me, “you will be healed by your obedience.” I was so excited to
start my new journey as a vegan and within two months, saw remarkable changes
in my cycles and overall health.
Additionally, we’ve been actively
trying to conceive. Since last summer, I have had it clear in my heart that I
will at least be pregnant in 2016. I was hoping for a baby in hand this year
but hey, we’ll take a growing seed! I know God’s promises to be true and am
standing on the Word He gave me that I will be healed by my obedience. So, I’ve
been growing in discipline regarding my dietary habits and what I consume but
have recently felt that this is not enough…
We all know that the Word
commands that we “forgive as Christ has forgiven us” and that we should
forgive, so that our prayers may be heard. Scientifically, it has also been
proven that harboring feelings of anger and bitterness can have a negative
impact on our overall health. But how many times have we ignored what we know
and justified our behavior…?
About a month ago, God began
nudging me to write this letter to you. I kept making excuses like, “He probably
won’t read it anyway…” or “…why should I have to write a letter when I’m not
the one who abandoned our friendship!?” So, I ignored the unction and kept it
moving. Within weeks, the Holy Spirit was showing me how my unforgiveness was
keeping me from being fully healed and getting pregnant. Knowing what I know
about the power of forgiveness, I had the audacity to still ignore the urge to
write to you until one day…
I was in a Sunday service and
that day, our pastor was talking about being led by the Holy Spirit. Now, while
much of the full service may be a blur during the altar call, I heard God’s
voice loud and clear. He told me straight up that I must forgive for the sake
of the daughter that I’ve been praying for. He told me, “I will not allow my child
to be conceived in a place where bitterness and unforgiveness reside. What I
have for her is too great for her to be created in the presence of such
negative energy.”
All I could do is weep and weep,
thanking God for His Word concerning me, my heart and my daughter. During this
time of crying, I felt a heaviness lift from me that I hadn’t even realized was
there. I experienced a much needed release knowing that things were different –
that my heart was being purified.
Lord, forgive me for my disobedience!
All this time, I’ve been limiting God to only healing my womb through a change
in my diet and while I am most thankful for the healing that has taken place
thus far, my obedience goes well beyond just that! God is trying to heal my
heart. He’s using my obedience to bring my spirit back into full alignment with
Him and to bring me back into His perfect will for my life – to be WHOLE.
God is showing me that I cannot
be the Light with any bit of darkness in my heart; consuming my mind. While
Light is ever present, the slightest bit of darkness can cast shadows where the
sun is needed. Those shadows manifesting in areas of our lives that are not
directly related to the situation that caused the unforgiveness to be present.
From forgiveness to being more
patient on the road, my goal is to be the best mother that I can be knowing
that God has placed a calling on the lives of my children that requires them to
be conceived in the purest love possible – the Love of God.
I love you. I always have and
always will and while my heart was once broken by the demise of our friendship,
I thank God for healing my heart and covering my mind. I thank God for you and
everything that you’ve been in my life and trust that my forgiving you will allow
my prayers for you and your family to reach the heart of God on your behalf.
I pray that you can find it in
your heart to forgive me for any pain that I may have caused you during the
tumultuous time in our relationship.
May you continue to grow according
to the will of God, in all things, for His glory.
Your Sister,
Nina
