I was the youngest of my parents’ children and my older brother was quite an independent individual and although I was as well, by being the youngest, I think that placed me in a position to watch and see what to do and what not to do, therefore, eliminating a lot of heartache. At the same time, I was going through that time in my life where I must’ve thought I was “more mature for my age” than I really was. There was some truth to this recurring comment but I was in fact, still a child. I can hear the voices of so many teachers and mentors, “Nina, if you would just apply yourself…,” which would follow with some other encouraging words worthy of “Guidance Counselor of the Year” honors.
This is one thing that I should keep in mind when dealing with young people. Even if they don’t seem to be listening, seeds are being planted. I recall so many times I just sat in tears over a paper that I could’ve gotten a higher grade on had I just not procrastinated. I may have displayed anger towards various teachers because of their loving me enough to tell me about myself and where I lack; In reality, I was more angry at myself for not being mature enough to have grown out of the inhabited place of mediocrity. Although not expressed at the time, I am most grateful for their patience and for the love they continued to show me. Knowing that I was capable of so much more, I made life harder than it had to be by procrastinating on projects, papers, getting caught up in boys, parties, weed, “Banana Red Mad Dog”… Even all of the positive things I was involved in, track and field, choir, student government (too much of a good thing can be bad…).
I made life harder by settling for just passing when I had all of the potential in the world to be an exceptional student. I’ve made life harder by…this is what this book is for, so that the reader can make a conscious effort to live life to the fullest, making it as easy as possible. This world has enough hang ups and distractions without us adding our own limitations. God is still working on me in many areas, breaking these old habits and molding me into the woman He has intended for me to be.
Those that know me personally, or that were a part of my life during the various times showcased in this book may contest the accuracy and accounts mentioned here. Keep in mind that this is my perception of occurrences. I do not intend to give any half truths about myself or the things I’ve done. I do intend to allow God to use me to the fullest through this book. There may be times that I cry through this thing. There may be times that I question what details to spare and what to give. In doing this, I want to be as transparent as possible but understand that specifics may be too much for some. I pray that I do not allow myself to take the reins on this one. That I be totally led by the Spirit and the world sees this book for what it is: the gift of life through Christ Jesus, who lives within me.
So why “Drama’s of a Bald Head Queen”?
My preferred look is a low cut. Some would consider me “bald headed”, some have even gone as far as to think they were damaging my esteem by calling me out. At one time in life calling me bald headed did left me feeling lower than low, but this was at a time when I was most uncomfortable with who I was. I did not understand at that time that I was made perfect by God. Even with all of my imperfections to include “bad” hair, I have become most comfortable with as little hair possible. Over the years I’ve had various looks trying to fit into others’ ideas of what a woman should look like and what beauty is. I think I looked alright with some of them. There are others that were not so…complimentary. From the jheri curl of the ‘80’s to a relaxer in the ‘90’s, there have been battles lost and won with my hair as, it has always been an issue.
Like so many little Black girls before me, having short hair seemed a curse placed upon me for reasons unknown. Had the sin of my ancestors been so great that God was seeing to it I never love myself? I felt doomed to be ugly in the eyes of others forever. I say in the eyes of others because for as long as I can remember, I would look into my brown eyes still trying to find the perfect fit into my big head and dared to believe that I was pretty. I had to have been about seven or eight when I first started really believing I was beautiful. Back then, I couldn’t help but be nappy, so by the time I was in middle school, I finally accepted that I’d always be “nappy” and vowed to be happy in my nappiness.
It was also sometime in middle school that I felt a greater connection to Africa, the Mother Land. In the world of hip hop, Queen Latifah, MC Lyte and other soul sisters reigned and their level of impact on me led me to a longing for greater knowledge of self. Boogie Down Productions, X-Clan and A Tribe Called Quest told me I was beautiful beyond what Seventeen magazine ever expressed to me. I found more of myself in the pages of Young Sisters and Brothers (YSB) magazine and on Saturday mornings as a satellite member of “The Posse” on BET’s Teen Summit. I found love for myself and for my people and told myself that had “my people” remained in Africa and never been enslaved in the Americas, I would have been Queen of my village.
The sisters in my crew adopted the nicknames Toy-Toy, Treecey, Ray-Ray, Quesha and ‘nem and there was already a Ne-Ne so I toyed around with various aliases in hopes to find one that would suit me well and define me upon mention even in my absence. My girlfriends began calling me Mother Africa and from there, Queen Nina became the moniker. By my second year in high school, I had not only cut my hair off and gone natural but, Queen Nina was who I was. No questions about it, no explanation required. I demanded respect from all through humility and in a determination to carry myself as a queen I made a conscious effort to walk worthy of the title amongst my peers.
It was about 2003 that the name “Dramas of a Bald Head Queen” was given to me. If I recall correctly, I was sitting at Applebee’s with my friends Tiff and K’Bana who had first hand observations of my lifestyle at the time. They had watched me evolve on the open mic scene in the Tidewater area of Virginia and also as a “pimp” amongst men. I had a lot going on at the time in regards to…well, to everything. Life was moving very fast. Three years into the military, I dreaded the process of completing the final year, I had more men than should legally be allowed and was caught on the battle field of spiritual warfare; that place between good and evil, between doing what I wanted and doing what God wanted, with no armor. I had teased on numerous occasions about the goings-on in my life and how, “I couldn’t wait for the book”, so I could really take a look at who I had become. I looked forward to the day that I could look back on such times and be amazed at what God had done.
I was at a point in my life where I felt as if there would never be a revolution. That night at Applebee’s there must’ve been some fuss about my hair. Comments about my Caesar had become common place and I just laughed off the stares and chatter from corner tables, and took it as admiration…admiration for my boldness and, even the audacity, to go so low and to wear it so well. It was that night that K’Bana gave me the name for my book. He is so good for having these “deep” spiritual moments where he’ll receive revelation about any number of things at any given moment. And that night two years ago, I was divinely given the title my first book. The “Dramas of a Bald Headed Queen”.
The dictionary gives several definitions for the word drama but there is one that best defines what this drama is about. “A series of events involving conflicting forces.” How appropriate. Whether we realize it or acknowledge it or not, there is in fact a continuous conflict in the world around us.
Second Corinthians 10:3-6 states that,
“3 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, 6 and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled.”
Besides what we see in our day to day lives, there are conflicting forces within the spiritual realm. That part of life that we may not be able to explain. As I mentioned earlier, this is that battle between good and evil, heaven and hell, etc. A part of this warfare has been depicted in scenes of cartoons for decades. We walk with a demon on one shoulder and an angel on another. In retrospect, there was, and still is, a battle in the spiritual realm for my life, my attention and my intentions. God’s will vs. my will. My personal desires vs. God’s desires for my life. So my whole life has been a drama. Life is a drama. It consists of a series of events involving conflicting forces. Those forces being God and His army on one side and the enemy that seeks to “steal, kill and destroy.” (John 10:10) The devil should’ve kept me while he had me…Lord, I’m all yours…
This book is for me. It’s for you. It’s for the people who will never read it but that may hear about it. It’s for my father, my brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, any children I may ever have, for my future husband and for my beloved mother, who bragged for years before her passing of all of my accomplishments, even those that she never got to see, even those that we all have yet to see. She was so proud of her my brother and I… *wiping tears* I remember her beaming when she would tell her co-workers and friends that I was going to be a writer. In high school, household PC’s were not yet the norm but she bought me an electric typewriter so I could start writing. I never did get a whole lot of use out of that typewriter. But she bought it for me in hopes that my thoughts would flow more fluidly through keys than through a ball point. She would listen to my poetry and share hers with me. It’s times of sharing like this that more young people need to experience…
Thank you Lord for my mothers…my father…all of the people you’ve ever placed in my life that have ever had faith in me, those who had hopes and dreams for me. Most importantly, thank you for those who have kept faith in You on behalf of what You can do with me and through me. May You receive all of the glory for every word typed, spoken, written or even considered. I praise You and I love You Lord, for all that You are, all that You’ve ever done and all that You’re doing. Amen.
*listening to* “Give Me a Clean Heart”—Fred Hammond, Purpose By Design
Queen Nina (2006)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Preparing the Way -"Dramas of a Bald Head Queen"-2011
Just start writing Nina…type something…laskfja;slkfjaosdifjaosdifjw…So this is how books are started? Vision. Focus…lose focus. Vision. *listens closely* Lord, I can’t do this. Vision. Focus. *pulls hair out* “Lord, not my will but thy will be done…”
What is a preface anyway? I mean, does anyone really read them? I’ve read the prefaces in many a book and somewhere after the fourth page or so, I just fast forward to “Chapter One”. I guess “Disclaimer” would be the equivalent to a preface on forms signed prior to a procedure or, on the label of a product: “Notice to Consumer”. This is my chance to let you, the reader, know that at times, I may ramble. That although I’ve been given a vision for this book, there may be times that I seem unsure or perhaps I’ll seem to teeter over how much of me I’m ready to give. And there’s a lot to give… Also, I have a tendency to write like I speak and now, with the IM and text messaging revolution, I may write like I communicate with my “friends” on Myspace or on the boards of Okayplayer.com (Shouts to ?love and all OKPs). I will have this work edited of course, for the obvious, but I want you to get all of me so there may be a chapter or two where it sounds more like a blog than a best-selling debut. *winks* Literary/English scholars may cringe. Take a deep breath. Let me hold your hand. Now keep reading!!!! Ha! Good…my overuse of ellipses is intentional… Most of my thoughts are in fact incomplete.
It is my hope that through “Drama”, I am able to show you just what God has been doing with me these past 28 years. It’s been quite a time and there have been many people involved in the creation of this woman whose words may or may not make a difference in your life. I pray that these words do in fact make a difference. I pray that through my mishaps, ill decisions, triumphs, disobedience, pains, pleasure and joys, you are able to take from my life something to make yours a little easier. I realized at a young age that I was in a cycle that had to be broken. I realized that, somewhere in high school I believe, I was already making life harder than it had to be. I recall being a child that was always willing to take advice from upperclassmen, my parents, teachers, whomever. I wanted to get as much from others experiences as possible...
What is a preface anyway? I mean, does anyone really read them? I’ve read the prefaces in many a book and somewhere after the fourth page or so, I just fast forward to “Chapter One”. I guess “Disclaimer” would be the equivalent to a preface on forms signed prior to a procedure or, on the label of a product: “Notice to Consumer”. This is my chance to let you, the reader, know that at times, I may ramble. That although I’ve been given a vision for this book, there may be times that I seem unsure or perhaps I’ll seem to teeter over how much of me I’m ready to give. And there’s a lot to give… Also, I have a tendency to write like I speak and now, with the IM and text messaging revolution, I may write like I communicate with my “friends” on Myspace or on the boards of Okayplayer.com (Shouts to ?love and all OKPs). I will have this work edited of course, for the obvious, but I want you to get all of me so there may be a chapter or two where it sounds more like a blog than a best-selling debut. *winks* Literary/English scholars may cringe. Take a deep breath. Let me hold your hand. Now keep reading!!!! Ha! Good…my overuse of ellipses is intentional… Most of my thoughts are in fact incomplete.
It is my hope that through “Drama”, I am able to show you just what God has been doing with me these past 28 years. It’s been quite a time and there have been many people involved in the creation of this woman whose words may or may not make a difference in your life. I pray that these words do in fact make a difference. I pray that through my mishaps, ill decisions, triumphs, disobedience, pains, pleasure and joys, you are able to take from my life something to make yours a little easier. I realized at a young age that I was in a cycle that had to be broken. I realized that, somewhere in high school I believe, I was already making life harder than it had to be. I recall being a child that was always willing to take advice from upperclassmen, my parents, teachers, whomever. I wanted to get as much from others experiences as possible...
Sunday, April 25, 2010
The Monster Within
*“…Life can be such a nightmare…I’m trying to keep it together…I’m RUNNIN’ FROM A MONSTER…FEELS LIKE I’M RUNNIN’ FROM A MONSTER…I…I KEEP…RUNNIN’ FROM A MONSTER…FEELS LIKE I’M RUNNIN’, I’M RUNNIN’, I’M RUNNIN’…and I guess I’ve run the wrong way…how could I have been so blind. Well, I guess I’m just a fool then, to think that it would all disappear in time… “
Do you recall your first brush with fear? Was it a nightmare interrupting your slumber, awaking you to the possibilities of monsters under the bed? Or the loud crack of thunder accompanied by a bright, shining sword extending its’ blade through the sky? Whatever it was, in our youth, the idea of the unknown sent many of us into a frenzy either frozen under the covers with our eyes tightly shut or down the hall seeking sanctuary in the room of an older sibling or our parents. Even in the presence of someone bigger and stronger than us, the eyes that peered through the darkness from the confines of the closet were brighter than our own eyes in the sunshine and at this point in our lives, fear of all things unfamiliar begins to tighten its’ grip on our imagination.
On the other hand, the innocence of a child is also laced with wisdom. As children we have confidence in our abilities in the light and many children are fearless and willing to take on whatever the day brings be it an 8 ft tree to climb, a wide creek to jump or a small clan of bullies to stand up to on the playground, their strength and courage is magnified in the presence of light.
If children can display unmatched bravery in the face of adversity, how much harder should it be for us as adults to get over the fears that ridicule us day in and day out? It is quite natural to fear the unknown but if we are children of God, having received He who is Love and have the Spirit within us through the life of Christ, there is no reason to live according to the uncertainty of darkness.
Chapter Four of First John helps us to see the confidence that we have in the Light…in Love…in God. Verse 13 “We know that we live in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit…16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him…18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear…”
The world has no need of seeking to conquer us with fear when our own imaginations leave us entrapped in a nightmare as life becomes the monsters in our closets. With the love of God, who is love, all things are possible. His perfect love drives out fear.
* “…I need your help, save me from myself; I’ve been running from me all along. I don’t know what I will make of my life, if you don’t right all my wrongs…I’ve been running for so long yet I’m not getting anywhere…can you please come rescue me from this nightmare…I feel like I’m running…I’m so tired of running…”
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Controversy Created by the Church
There has been a lot of talk lately (and always, I'm sure...) about gospel artists "fraternizing" with sinners/secular artists. From the mother of The Clark Sisters and Kim Burrell being shunned and chastised by the COGIC to fans and critics worldwide causing an uproar regarding Mary Mary's highly successful "God In Me" music video, The Church is found yet again teetering with the possibility of losing many possible disciples of Christ through their "holier than thou", judgmental attitude.
IMO, the Church needs to stop making everything regarding all things secular so controversial. It's "controversies" like these that keep sinners IN their sin. Show them the God you SAY is in you and let GOD do the rest...
Enjoy the video but more importantly, enjoy the message in the music!!!
Below are some comments that I left today on Mary Mary's "God In Me" video on YouTube
ENJOY!!!
IMO, the Church needs to stop making everything regarding all things secular so controversial. It's "controversies" like these that keep sinners IN their sin. Show them the God you SAY is in you and let GOD do the rest...
Enjoy the video but more importantly, enjoy the message in the music!!!
Below are some comments that I left today on Mary Mary's "God In Me" video on YouTube
ENJOY!!!
This is my first time seeing this video and I am GLAD that these ladies and their team decided to convey the message in this song the way they did. When I hear the song and watch this video, I literally think of the lyrics being directed at "The Church" sayin', "don't assume you know what I'm going through just because MY walk with God doesn't look like yours."
Yes, this song definitely speaks to the world as an invitation to the world to see what God has done for me, "the saint" but there are plenty of people in the secular world that have God in them. Are they all representing the Kingdom to the fullest? Perhaps not, but LORD KNOWS that I wasn't either when I first got saved and I may not always do my best now!? We "...don't know how much {they} pray, don't know how much {they} gave, don't know HOW MUCH {THEY'VE} CHANGED..."
Okay...this is my last comment (lol...didn't mean to turn this into a blog!?) How many of us church folk stop to think of the act of witnessing that may come from our involvement with the secular world? Who knows what God is doing with this song and video. I love EdwardCarrillo's comment about the Pharisees response to Jesus with sinners...THAT sir, is the best point made here. But I can't forget @mammacita65. We must DEFINITELY check our love walk...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Everything I Learned, I Taught Myself
I would like to introduce you to fairly new Early Reader Series created by a gentleman named Derrick Barnes. This is a FABULOUS article and looking back, as much as I LOVED “The Baby-sitters Club” and “Nancy Drew”, I remember scouring the shelves of my neighborhood library for a wider variety of books. As I longed for more than the traditional "classics" in school, I went straight from Nancy Drew to Mark Mathabane's "Kaffir (Nigger) Boy" to depictions of Native American life and traditions in Sue Harrison's "Mother Earth, Father Sky", eventually finding myself engrossed in the tales of adult happenings through the tales of Terry McMillan...even attempting "Jazz", "Beloved" and "Song of Solomon" by Toni Morrison (who won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1993) all before making my way through the eighth grade.
My mother was elated that I was an avid reader but had she known the content of many of the books I was reading at that age...yeah...I don't want to imagine.
I say all of this to bring attention to the need for age appropriate literature for young people of all ages and ethnic backgrounds. While this is an article on a website which predominately focuses on literature by African-Americans, I encourage people from all backgrounds to give young people the opportunity to explore outside of the familiar. Growing up in Kansas, it took effort of my own to learn about the writers that were used to instill the knowledge that generated love for my history and the possibilities of my future as a Black woman in America.
Again, I encourage you and everyone you know with young children, ‘tweens and teenagers to look into these books. Seek them out online and in stores where they are available for purchase and request them at retailers where they are not yet available. Be it for a young person in your home or as a gift in the future, we have to support reading and a love for literature in our young people EARLY and continue to nurture that appetite as they get older. Also, there is a world of writers, particularly "minorities" in America, out there who need our support as well!
If you have any info to add to this topic, please feel free to respond via email: ninacinspires@gmail.com
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Share My World
Even with a head cold and germs all around, I was able to participate in my first blogtalk radio show with Max Reddick. Tonight, I was reminded that there truly is "Freedom Through Speech" as is the name of his weekly blogtalk radio show. Mr. Reddick offered me the opportunity to share "How I Got Over" along with two other panelist, Nicole McLean, breast cancer survivor and author of the blog "My Fabulous Boobies" and Michael Stagg of "My II Sense" where he gives "his two cents" on topics such as personal development and how to live life "on purpose".
I am grateful for the world of technology and the various ways that we are able to share in the struggles and successes and lives of people who just hours ago, were total strangers. Technology has opened us up to a world where, if we live outside of ourselves, are never alone. Where, when we look at the lives of others, we find that our situation may not be as bad as we initially thought. Not that we should ever wish "worse" on anyone but we get to a point where we recognize that much can be learned through the testimony of those around us.
Tonight I was able to share my world. When I was first asked to give a part of my testimony, I didn't know how much to give. I didn't even know where to begin. I asked God to speak through me and to give just enough and, even though at times I felt I was rambling, I pray that my testimony spoke to the heart of someone out there. I trust that all the living I've done was not in vain. That the pain that I endured all while trying to find "liberation" and "freedom" were stepping stones to get me to the mountain I stand upon today!
During the panel discussion, Michael and I were asked if we ever saw the trials coming. If there was ever a point where we stopped to consider if the way impact that our lifestyle would have on our future or did we just wake up one day like, "Oh my...how'd I get here?!" I shared that I knew I was living reckless the whole time. That I justified my promiscuous behavior and dependency on alcohol by claiming to be a "liberated woman" who cared not what people thought of me or my behavior when in all actuality, I did.
When living in this world, you can't help but care what people think of you. The way people see you is a sure sign of the way you're living. Of course we should never live our lives solely based on the opinions of others but there is a lot to be said about how people see you.
In early 2003 I found myself caught up in a whirlwind of anger and resentment towards myself. There was no one to blame. But I took my self-loathing out on whoever crossed my path at the wrong time. Men who loved me, friends who were there for me, waitresses who needed extra training in customer service...if you crossed me, you CAUGHT it. To answer the question posed to me earlier this evening, my response was, "Yes, I knew I was a whore claiming the role of a 'pimp'", taking advantage of those who wanted to give me nothing but the best...wasting away all in the name of "liberation". I recognized that change had to come, and quick...
More to come later this week...I am sick and need to be in the bed! Good night! 11:43PM EST
I am grateful for the world of technology and the various ways that we are able to share in the struggles and successes and lives of people who just hours ago, were total strangers. Technology has opened us up to a world where, if we live outside of ourselves, are never alone. Where, when we look at the lives of others, we find that our situation may not be as bad as we initially thought. Not that we should ever wish "worse" on anyone but we get to a point where we recognize that much can be learned through the testimony of those around us.
Tonight I was able to share my world. When I was first asked to give a part of my testimony, I didn't know how much to give. I didn't even know where to begin. I asked God to speak through me and to give just enough and, even though at times I felt I was rambling, I pray that my testimony spoke to the heart of someone out there. I trust that all the living I've done was not in vain. That the pain that I endured all while trying to find "liberation" and "freedom" were stepping stones to get me to the mountain I stand upon today!
During the panel discussion, Michael and I were asked if we ever saw the trials coming. If there was ever a point where we stopped to consider if the way impact that our lifestyle would have on our future or did we just wake up one day like, "Oh my...how'd I get here?!" I shared that I knew I was living reckless the whole time. That I justified my promiscuous behavior and dependency on alcohol by claiming to be a "liberated woman" who cared not what people thought of me or my behavior when in all actuality, I did.
When living in this world, you can't help but care what people think of you. The way people see you is a sure sign of the way you're living. Of course we should never live our lives solely based on the opinions of others but there is a lot to be said about how people see you.
In early 2003 I found myself caught up in a whirlwind of anger and resentment towards myself. There was no one to blame. But I took my self-loathing out on whoever crossed my path at the wrong time. Men who loved me, friends who were there for me, waitresses who needed extra training in customer service...if you crossed me, you CAUGHT it. To answer the question posed to me earlier this evening, my response was, "Yes, I knew I was a whore claiming the role of a 'pimp'", taking advantage of those who wanted to give me nothing but the best...wasting away all in the name of "liberation". I recognized that change had to come, and quick...
More to come later this week...I am sick and need to be in the bed! Good night! 11:43PM EST
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
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